I'm already married, why should I care?

http://www.freedomtomarry.org/get_involved/freedom_to_marry_week_2009bl.php

I traveled to Albany on Tuesday, Feb 3rd, to talk about marriage equality to my state senator, Sen. Cathy Young (Republican and Conservative Party). I didn't get to talk to her, we spoke to one of her aides, so I wonder how much good my visit did to advance marriage equality. I tried to explain to the aide (I wish I had gotten a business card from her, I can't remember her name!) how it is that an trans woman who married before transition and remains married to this day is interested in marriage equality fro the GLBT community. It's actually pretty simple.

My spouse and I married in 1987 after being together for 5 years. I began therapy with an eye towards gender transition in December of 2005. One of our primary concerns was how this would affect our legal standing as a married couple. We found out that, generally speaking, since the marriage was contracted legally at the time, nothing short of death or divorce could dissolve it. Big sigh of relief! Yet, as I moved towards realizing my true self we also realized that our relationship is now that of a same sex couple. A legal same sex marriage, so to speak. (I tell incredulous people that we found a "loophole.") The problem now is that we don't "look" like we could be married! What would happen if one of us should fall ill or be in an accident. What if one of us were arrested? How could we defend our relationship and our rights in a medical or legal setting?

My solution has been to carry a copy of our marriage certificate (with my old name on it, they wouldn't allow it to be changed) and a copy of my name change court order to establish that I am the person named on the certificate. The big problem for me now, though, is that to defend my marriage I, or my spouse, have to out ourselves as a transgendered couple, leaving us both open to the discrimination and prejudice that this label brings. Since I, as a trans woman, am specifically excluded from the protections of the Americans with Disabilities Act, the doctors, nurses or other hospital staff could legally discriminate against me. Of course, that assumes the people whom I have to convince that we are really in a legal marriage, accept the validity of the copies I carry with me. They could stall by refusing to accept them without proof, all of which takes precious time during which one of us could be dying surrounded by strangers. Making same sex marriage legal makes it the norm, hopefully making my defense unnecessary.

Should the unthinkable happen and my spouse and I are separated for any reason it is within the realm of possibility (well, so is winning the lottery!) that I meet someone and that we may want to marry. That brings in all sorts of other problems. I could meet the same horrible fate that Christie Lee Littleton met when her marriage of 7 years was invalidated by a Texas court (http://christielee.net/main1.htm). Or I could fall under the same kind of judicial violence as J'Noel Gardiner did in Kansas http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2002/03/22/kansas_ruling/print.html. Both of these cases would not have turned out as they did had equal marriage rights been the law of the land.

So it turns out that I should and DO care about marriage rights. Currently I have to out myself to defend my relationship leaving me open to legal, as well as illegal, discrimination. Some trans activists have pointed out that the fight for GLBT protections under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (which I wholeheartedly support) or ENDA (which I have problems with, even the inclusive version) is much more important than the fight for marriage equality. I agree that they are yet I know I need to stand with the others in my community if I want them to stand for me. If we stand together there's no reason we can't have both issues resolved in our favor.

Keeping my spouse happy

Wow, I need to be more active in the kitchen! So much has happened I’m having a hard time deciding what to talk about! I could talk about my trip to Albany last Tuesday, sponsored by Marriage Equality New York (MENY) http://www.marriageequalityny.org/ or I could make some noise about Kim Petras and how envious I am. I could mention some of my arguments with bigots in the Topix Transgender forums, http://www.topix.com/forum/news/transgendered. Eventually I think I’ll complain about how ENDA is not nearly enough and that we ought to be specifically included in Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The one most recent issue that I’ve run up against, though, is the conflict between my activism and my family. As I mentioned in my introductory blog entry, my spouse has encountered more direct criticism of my transition and her decision to stay with me than I have. It’s why I use a pseudonym for my activities on the internet, although my picture and home town designation makes it pretty clear, to those who know us, who I am. I feel a strong need to write about and actively work for my, and my community’s, equal rights. I realize my activism may put me at risk, a risk that I feel is necessary. Yet I have to weigh that risk for myself against the involuntary risk my spouse has to shoulder. I spend a lot of time with her. Someone who targets me because they don’t like what I am or what I stand for can easily include her, purposefully or not, into whatever malevolence they wish to perpetrate. Her living is directly affected by my ability to get and keep a job, for instance.

Another issue is that my spouse has cerebral palsy. She does quite well, only needing a wheelchair outside the house, and does an amazing job keeping things running here on the home front. In her eyes, my responsibility to her is sometimes compromised if my activism takes me away from home. She’s right, I think, although she is a very capable woman (has always had to be, to deal with the like of me!) my first responsibility, willingly and lovingly accepted, is to her. Even though she is a member of the trans community, as a “significant other,” and the issues I work on: non-discrimination laws and marriage equality, affect her in profound ways she seems more inclined to take a role in the deep background and wishes I would do the same. She certainly wishes I would at least shut up about it once in awhile!

I can't, though. I can't shut up about how trans people and the rest of the GLBT community are treated in this country.

Better Late Than Never:

Well! I found this one in my draft section all the while thinking I published this one. So, here it is, under the heading, Better Late Than Never:

Wow, I need to be more active in the kitchen! So much has happened I’m having a hard time deciding what to talk about! I could talk about my trip to Albany last Tuesday, sponsored by Marriage Equality New York (MENY) http://www.marriageequalityny.org/ or I could make some noise about Kim Petras and how envious I am. I could mention some of my arguments with bigots in the Topix Transgender forums, http://www.topix.com/forum/news/transgendered. Eventually I think I’ll complain about how ENDA is not nearly enough and that we ought to be specifically included in Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The one most recent issue that I’ve run up against, though, is the conflict between my activism and my family. As I mentioned in my introductory blog entry, my spouse has encountered more direct criticism of my transition and her decision to stay with me than I have. It’s why I use a pseudonym for my activities on the internet, although my picture and home town designation makes it pretty clear, to those who know us, who I am. I feel a strong need to write about and actively work for my, and my community’s, equal rights. I realize my activism may put me at risk, a risk that I feel is necessary. Yet I have to weigh that risk for myself against the involuntary risk my spouse has to shoulder. I spend a lot of time with her. Someone who targets me because they don’t like what I am or what I stand for can easily include her, purposefully or not, into whatever malevolence they wish to perpetrate. Her living is directly affected by my ability to get and keep a job, for instance.

Another issue is that my spouse has cerebral palsy. She does quite well, only needing a wheelchair outside the house, and does an amazing job keeping things running here on the home front. In her eyes, my responsibility to her is sometimes compromised if my activism takes me away from home. She’s right, I think, although she is a very capable woman (has always had to be, to deal with the like of me!) my first responsibility, willingly and lovingly accepted, is to her. Even though she is a member of the trans community, as a “significant other,” and the issues I work on: non-discrimination laws and marriage equality, affect her in profound ways she seems more inclined to take a role in the deep background and wishes I would do the same. She certainly wishes I would at least shut up about it once in awhile!

I can't, though. I can't shut up about how trans people and the rest of the GLBT community are treated in this country.