TGDOR 2011

To all those who have died because of the ultimate expression of hate and transphobia: 

We Will Remember! 

and we will fight to defeat the ignorance and fear that were the basis of your tragic deaths. 

Transgender Day Of Remembrance, 11/20/11.

Naan Bread

One of the things I've kept myself busy with during my long period of unemployment is by expanding my skills in the kitchen.  I know, the stereotype does seem to fit here but hey, it's a real interest, not a reaction a stereotypical gender role.  My main focus has been to make good food as inexpensively as possible, something necessitated by my very limited resources.  Making delicious food using the most basic and inexpensive ingredients has been a challenge that I've found to be very enjoyable.

One of the things I discovered about myself is how much I enjoy baking.  I always liked baking cookies - Christmas time was always a joy for me - but I have discovered that I just love to bake bread.  Indeed, on days when my discouragement and depression crush my motivation to do pretty much anything else, reading formulas (recipes) and bread lore in books and bread blogs along with combining flours, yeast, water and salt, kneading, forming, resting and baking a loaf or two are the only things that interest me.

Peter Reinhart, one of the best known and respected authors and "gurus" of artisan bread talks about the transformative nature of the bread making process.  I wonder sometimes if that's what attracts me to it, having gone through one or two rather significant transformations myself.  He talks about the transformations the wheat and yeast go through to become bread and how these transformations work together to nourish us.  The idea of transformations in the process of becoming better, toward a synergistic whole, appeals to me.

One of the things I've learned about bread is that the transformations it goes through need time to develop.  Just like I had to go through a pretty lengthy process in my transition, so too does the gestalt of ingredients in order to produce good tasting bread.  Trans people are often very impatient once they reach the conclusion that they need to transition.  We fail to realize that while we were dealing with the issue, often for years or even decades, the other people in our lives have had no inkling of what we were going through.  Once we come out we want everything to be done yesterday.  While this is understandable, the pain of living an inauthentic life can be acute, we need to remember to give others the time and space they need to come to grips with the new situation.  This time is valuable for ourselves on a personal level as well.  Shedding the old skin and acquiring a brand new life takes time getting used to, no matter how eager we are to finish.  One of the best pieces of advice I ever got when I started my transition came from a wonderful lady, Robyn Walters, who told me to "Rush slowly," one of the best pieces of advice I ever got.

I've been able to learn enough now that I've started to modify and improve bread formulas that I find in books and the internet.  I made a new one this morning and I thought I'd share that one with you, a recipe for an Indian flat bread called naan.

Naan Bread

Poolish
• 1/8 teaspoon instant yeast
• 1 cup (4½ oz) white flour
• 3/4 cup (6 oz) room temperature water

Mix the four, water and yeast in a bowl and cover.  Allow to ferment at room temperature for 6 to 8 hours or you can let it ferment for 4 to 5 hours and then place it into the refrigerator overnight (let it warm up for at least an hour before you use it if you go this route).  I usually make this right around noon and let it ferment in the kitchen until 8:00 pm.

Dough (I do this part at 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening)
• ¾ teaspoon instant yeast
• 1 cup (4½ oz) unbleached white bread flour
• 1 cup (4½ oz) white whole wheat flour (King Arthur Flour sells this stuff.  It's very good.)
• 2 Tablespoons (1 oz) olive oil
• 1/4 (2 oz) cup buttermilk or plain yogurt
• 1½ teaspoon honey
• 1 teaspoon salt (¾ tsn if your buttermilk already has some salt in it)

- To the poolish, add the oil, buttermilk and honey and mix well.  In a separate bowl, mix the white and whole wheat flour along with the instant yeast.  Add the flours, etc, to the liquids and mix until you get a shaggy dough.  Cover and allow to rest for 20 minutes.

- Knead the dough for 3 to 5 minutes and then sprinkle the salt over it.  Knead about 5 to 7 minutes more until the dough is smooth and supple.  Try not to add too much extra flour to this dough, it needs to be pretty soft.  It if gets too sticky, try rubbing some olive oil on your hands and the kneading surface.  The dough temperature at the end of the kneading cycle should be about 78º to 81ºF.

- Form the dough into a ball and place it into an oiled bowl.  Coat the top surface with oil as well.  Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let it sit at room temperature for about ½ hour, then place it into the refrigerator overnight.

- The next morning, remove the dough from the refrigerator and let it warm up at room temperature for at least 1 hour.  It should have just about doubled in size but if it hasn't, wait until it does.

- Preheat the oven at its highest temperature (500º-550ºF for most home ovens) with a pizza stone on the center rack for at least 30 to 45 minutes so the stone is screamin' hot. Using a pizza stone will help to give naan close to same kind of heat as clay tandoor.  If you don't have a pizza stone, a cast iron griddle or even a cast iron pan or dutch oven turned upside down would be a decent substitute.

- Take the dough out of the bowl and gently flatten it with your fingertips somewhat to degas it a bit.  Cut it into 6 or 8 equally sized pieces.  Form those pieces into balls, cover them and let them rest for 15 to 20 minutes.  After resting them, roll the balls flat to about 3/16 to 1/4 inche thick (5 to 6.5 mm).  They will shrink back after you roll them so I roll them a little thinner than that and then let them shrink up.  Make sure they remain covered after you roll them so they don't dry out before going into the oven.

- Next turn the oven to high broil - 500ºF - and wait a few minutes for the element to come up to heat.

- Before putting the Naan in oven, lightly wet your hands and take the rolled Naan, and flip them between your palms and place onto your baking/pizza stone into the oven.  You should be able to place about 2-3 Naan on the baking/pizza stone at a time.

- The Naan will take about 3 to 5 minutes to cook, depending upon your oven. Don't be surprised if it inflates like a pita, this is normal.  The naan should be golden brown color on top.  Some darker brown spots may also appear.

- After the Naan is baked take it out of the oven and brush lightly with clarified butter or ghee.

- wait 2 to 5 minutes before baking the next batch of naan. It gives oven the chance to get heated again to max.

- let the bread cool on a wire rack before tearing in.  I know, it'll be hard, but it will taste better if you do.  Enjoy!

I won't be going to Albany next week.

I won't be going to Albany next week.

The Empire State Pride Agenda (ESPA) has decided to sponsor an "Equality and Justice Day" again this year (they didn't do one last year) on Monday, May 9th.  I've been to two of these events before and I won't be going this year.

I thought about going.  I even made plans to do it and made a commitment that I will be breaking, something I do not do lightly.  The unwillingness to go was present before I figured out the motivations behind it.  I was hemming and hawing about right up into the deadline for registration.

What sealed my decision was yet another email from ESPA about the upcoming event.  I'd received a number of these emails before and they were all very similar to what I've seen over the past few years:

MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality Gender MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality GENDA MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality GENDA MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality MarriageEquality etc.

Then, the last missive from ESPA had the following (paraphrased), ". . . marriage equality being a life and death issue for them."

That little piece of bullshit sealed my decision.  After nine years of waiting to get gender identity protections under the law that gave the same to cis GLB people in 2002, after all the misery and pain and the Deity knows how many deaths that NY trans people have suffered because they couldn't find a job, or were humiliated by being thrown out of a bathroom, or were made homeless by some intolerant landlord and complaining tenants, I heard the head of ESPA write that the convenience of being married in the state you reside is a matter of life and death???  Sorry, they can go do for themselves without my help.

I've become convinced that, in New York State at least, trans LGB and straight people will not get equal protections until in-state marriage convenience/equality is achieved.  Yeah, most of the cis people who are working for marriage equality will then go home.  Yes, most of the resources of the cis GLB political community will go on to other things.  But then, at the very least, the issue of civil rights protections for gender vairiant New Yorkers will have the space to be seen and heard without the looming, oxygen depleting issue of marriage rights muffling the voices and drowning out the cries of the afflicted.

I've always maintained that the best way to separate your true friends from those who really don't care a whole lot is to change your sex.  The passing of the marriage equality issue in NY will do the same.  The true friends and allies of the trans community will keep working, no matter how few in number they may be.  Of course, winning on this issue will be difficult.  It'll take more time.  More trans people, including myself, will suffer the consequences of being an unprotected but vulnerable minority.  The huge distraction, however, of false friends who pay lip service while pushing you to the back of the room - and all too often out the back door - will be gone.  The selfish political activists who work only for their own immediate gain in marriage equality, at the expense of others, will have gone home.  And then, only then, will the trans community and its true allies be able to be heard. 

In the meantime I'll visit my state representatives when they are in the local area and will write them legible handwritten letters about the vital importance of civil rights protections for gender identity.  As an afterthought, I might even mention how stupid it is to grant same sex couples full marriage equality when they get married in another state or country where it's legal but not allow the ceremony performed in-state to be legally recognized.  Hopefully then, when the marriage equality brass band has stopped blaring in their ears, they may actually start to listen, having hear some faint echos about the issues before!

An anchor point has disappeared

An anchor point has disappeared, a constant no longer available.
I'm an orphan now,
my dear mother has passed on, has shed her mortal coil.
The world is now a poorer and colder place.

Questions and family

I’m told my mother is dying.

The reasons are a combination of her age, 83, and complications from injuries she suffered in an auto accident that happened last July 17th. She’s been in hospital since then, most of the time in the critical care unit.

On top of the profound grief I am experiencing, even before her death actually happens, I have to deal with so much more because of my trans status. The pain of my continuing dysphoria over my inappropriately equipped body underlies all of my emotions. The feelings of discouragement, depression and deceasing sense of self worth due to my continuing unemployment – 20 months and counting – and my uncertain financial future.

And then, on top of all that . . . what about the funeral?

What pictures from her life will be displayed – Will some be displayed that show me as a boy, a past that I would rather not be reminded of and one that I’d really rather not have displayed to the public?

What will the obituary say? Will I have to argue with my family to use my real name instead of the one assigned me when I was born? Even if I win that argument, how will they use it? “Surviving are a daughter and two sons, Louise, Emelye and Martin?” or will the obituary tell the truth?

“Surviving are two daughters and a son, Louise, Emelye and Martin.”

How will people address me at the funeral? How many times will I be misgendered and/or called by my old name? How should I deal with the people that do so? Will someone actually have the stupidity and gall to suggest my transition contributed to her passing? If they do, how should I deal with that? What if a family member actually says that?

The questions keep coming and I don’t know the best way to answer most of them. I’ll find a solution to some of them, I’m sure, but how can I know that they will be the best ones? Can I prevail against the wishes of my sister and brother if they disagree with my needs regarding posting pictures and an accurate obituary? Can I rely on my sense and emotional discernment to be able to tell the difference between honest errors about my name/pronouns and spiteful attacks while I’m emotionally engaged with the loss and grief I have to bear? If I fail, do I remove myself from the entire proceedings? How can I deal with not being there, not being able to say good bye to her within the framework of the specific ceremony designed to help me do that?

Fortunately I have time to think of these things although I don’t know how much. More immediate issues are pressing as well. How do I pay for the trip to Connecticut and where will I stay when I get there? Will I be able to sleep at my sister’s house or will her husband continue to find my presence so offensive that I’ll have to pay for a motel?

We’ll see.

I'm beginning to see double!

I read an article in the Gay City News about the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) becoming involved in the fight against those New York State senators who voted against civil marriage equality last year.  The first paragraph of the article tells us,

     Signaling clearly that it is “all-in” on the push for marriage equality in the Empire State, the Human Rights Campaign, the Washington-based LGBT lobby, has launched the Campaign for New York Marriage, promising to deliver what the group’s top spokesman, Fred Sainz, termed “an unparalleled commitment of resources.”

With the Empire State Pride Agenda (ESPA) so closely resembling the HRC and it's Gay Elite Inc. focus on the monetary benefits of marriage for well to do gay and lesbian people it's no wonder that I'm seeing double.  HRC and "HRC-Lite" in the same state, working together on an issue that, while it's important, is geared primarily towards benefitting straight acting, well off gay and lesbian couples while simultaneously, and with unfortunate consistency, ignoring once again the gender variant gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight citizens of New York?  It's enough to make you nauseously dizzy!

I suppose the push towards electing politicians who support same sex marriage rights might benefit the trans community somewhat.  They might be a bit more likely to support nondiscrimination laws for gender nonconforming people.  That's a long shot though, as we have seen for far too long in this state.  It's much more likely that support for trans inclusion in the state's nondiscrimination law will be nowhere near the list of criteria they draw up for possible candidates to support.  ESPA and HRC have traditionally been too lazy to reach alll the way to the furthermost reaches where gender variant people have been pushed, substantially by Gay Elite Inc.'s doing.  The Sexual Orientation Non Discrimination Act (SONDA) of 2002 has been called a gay hate crime against the trans community.  I may not go that far but, to tell you the truth, it sure feels like it sometimes.

Where was the HRC when ESPA was giving it's lip service to the trans community this past year and previous?  Where was Senator Duane when the Senate's Judicial committee was voting the Gender Expression Non Discrimination Act (GENDA) into the trash bin?  When will it be "all in on the push" for ESPA and the HRC instead of a feeble nudge when they get around to it for GENDA?

I've written before in this blog that marriage equality affects the trans community as well as the GLB's.  My marriage is legal but because it looks like a same sex coupling I have to be prepared to out myself as trans, and to take the obvious risks by doing so, to defend it .  And do we need to be reminded of the egregious cases in Kansas and Texas where trans women were denied their existing marriage rights because of their past?  The fact remains, however, that being legally married in a legally recognized union is poor consolation when you can't get a job or are fired for transitioning.  The bigots that harass us in restaurants and who deny us a decent place to live because we are different would laugh in our faces if we waved our marriage certificates in front of their noses, no matter how legally valid they were.

I will, as I have done before, publicly support civil marriage equality in New York State and the rest of our country.  It's only right that I do so, transgender couples have a dog in this hunt as well as the GLB's.  I will continue, however, to remind Gay Elite Inc. of their promise made in 2002, to "come back" for the trans community all the while adding the less than welcome fact regarding their part of the responsibility for the broken lives, shattered families and economic failures within the New York trans community.

A much needed victory!

The New York State Senate approved the Dignity for All Students Act (DASA) last night in a 58-3 vote.  Governor Paterson has already indicated that he will sign this bill into law.  it will take effect on July 1, 2012.  It's notable that this bill is the first in state history to include protections for gender identity.  The bill also includes “actual or perceived race, color, weight, national origin, ethnic group, religion, religious practice, disability, sexual orientation, gender or sex.”

An amendment to add cyber bullying was defeated.  Republicans pushed for the amendment claiming it was more inclusive and makes the bill better.  “If we look at this honestly, we should support this amendment because it’s all-inclusive,” Sen. John DeFrancisco.  The law covers actions that happen on school property only.  Since there are a number of important related issues to cyber bullying that would not have been addressed by the bill as written, I think it's a good thing it wasn't added.  The issue is complex enough to require a separate bill. 

The three no votes all came from Republican party members: John DeFrancisco (District 50), George Maziarz (District 62) and Dale Volker (District 59).  My senator, Sen. Cathy Young, voted yes which gives me hope that she will give GENDA a fair shake when it comes back to the Senate (someday).  The amazing thing is that Ruben Diaz, the perennial Senate homo/transphobe, voted yes.  I suspect he saw the bill would be passed anyway and didn't want to be on the losing side, especially in an election year.  The bill was passed in the state Assembly 9 times already and this is the first year the Senate has acted on it, having been blocked from coming to the floor until now.  “Shameful,” Assemblyman Danny O’Donnell, a Manhattan Democrat who shepherded the bill through his chamber, texted from the Senate balcony. “For nine years we passed this bill and the Republicans did nothing.”

It IS shameful that it took this long to get such an important bill passed.  It's equally shameful that the Gender Expression Non Discrimination Act (GENDA) is still in the Senate's dead zone, after being killed in the Judicial committee two weeks ago.  Will we have to wait 6 more years for that to pass?  I certainly hope not.