Friday, February 19, 2010

How time flies!

Good golly, it's been two months since I published my last entry!

[snark] I must be having fun, the time has flown by so quickly! [/snark]

To be honest, I find I have numerous ideas about things to write about, things I care about and that about which I believe I have something to say. Then, the second thought is, "Well, someone else has probably written about the same thing, and much better than I ever could," or, "Who would ever really care about what I have to say?" While these are legitimate questions they certainly aren't really good criteria on which to base my decisions about what to write or whether to write anything at all and I find they are just excuses that I make to mask the reality that I just don't feel good enough to do it, or to do it "right." Self-esteem, it appears, is a problem here and I think it's a big problem for many people but for trans people, it's huge.

All my life, I was made to feel inadequate because I could not or did not fulfill the expectations of masculine behavior that my genitalia imposed. It was rarely overt, although that did happen, but it was pervasive although unsaid. That generated a belief in my own general inferiority, one that, looking back, was a big reason for my underachiever status.

So, with the goal of denying the spurious belief in my inferiority I plan to be more active on this blog. I'll work at saying things, even if I believe underneath it all, that I'm screwing it up or that it's unimportant. I will instead just send this stuff out into the ether and let others be the judge and, should they judge it even a little worthwhile, then I will have succeeded.

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